Recently there has been a wave of viral posts comparing the love of a spouse to that of a child. There are proponents on both sides; some saying you should love your spouse more than your child. The others say that you should love your child more than your spouse. In fact, this should not be an issue. The answer instead is that you should love your child and your spouse differently. This difference leads not to a standoff between the relationships, but should work to enhance the love of each.
The main point that is brought up with the advocates of loving your spouse more is that it sets the tone for a stable marriage and is a great role model for the children. There is no doubt that research supports that a happy marriage is beneficial for children. However, this is not to say that the spouse should be more important or loved more than the children.
There are many different theories of love; however most share the model of a triangular theory. This theory posits that love is made up of varying degrees of passion, intimacy, and commitment. The degree can be different for each of these, and the results are the different types of love. For example, a relationship high in passion and intimacy but low in commitment is romantic love. Love high in all three is consummate love. (For a general overview, click here.)
You will have passion and romance with a spouse, or you have had it at one time. You will not have that with your child. You build a trust and companionship with your spouse that is not replicated with your kids. Instead, you build trust and attachment and have a more altruistic type of love with them.
Lisa Cohen laments the following in her blog, posted in Psychology Today:
How does love differ for lovers, family and friends?
Research suggests that the feeling of intimacy, emotional connection and closeness is central to all types of love. What may differ across relationships is the degree of passion as well as the level of commitment. We can speculate that all love relationships would have high levels of intimacy; romantic love would have high levels of passion; and familial and long-term romantic relationships high levels of commitment. In fact, Sternberg and Gracek found that the intimacy component of love cut across all close relationships, with similar ratings for family, friendship and romantic relationships. In a 1985 study by Keith Davis, spouses or lovers did not differ that much from close friends on liking (similar to Sternberg’s concept of intimacy), but did differ on loving (which they conceptualized as liking plus passion and commitment).
There are major, major differences in the love that is given to a child or a spouse, as there should be. To compare them or judge them is not only unfair, but can foster feelings of resentment, sadness, and a host of other issues. Can you imagine the child that is told that her parent loves her less than her other parent? Or the spouse that is told that they do not mean as much as the child?
This issue is apples versus oranges; they are both fruits but with completely different tastes. Love is still love, yet different factors influence how it is given and received.
A Bumble 